Sunday, 2 December 2012

the happy loneliness of being alone

Because we live on planet earth and we are humans, and hence a little dim, we are constantly dealing with each other. We're too many in the world and we like living in the same crowded places. No big revelations here. You also realise already that we don't always get to hang out with the people we choose. In the morning we're glued to other poor tired souls in the bus/tram/train/carpool/air plane, at work there's the odd bunch of colleagues (they even might be nuns and nevertheless odd. or odder.) and clients/students/patients, whatever your line of work is. The flow of people continues on the street, supermarket, where ever you go. If you're lucky you get to go home to an empty house and have a moment's rest. But most of us have roommates, partners, kids, parents, animals greeting us at the door, and you have to deal with them.

I know, callous, horrible what I just wrote! "You HAVE to DEAL with them"? There is so much loneliness in the world, people who need, no, yearn for company and don't have it. We should be happy to be surrounded with people, especially at home! How nice, you have someone to talk to, someone who (maybe) listens to you, if you slip in the shower and bang your head, that someone would (eventually) find you and (maybe) help you. Yes, I agree. I'm pro-company. Most times. Not on Wednesdays though. Too many people of various ages who all want something from me on Wednesdays. On every Wednesday I want to call in sick. 

Today if I had to choose living alone or with my boyfriend...well, the answer is clear (if you had read my previous posts, that is). But ten years ago I may have made another choice, because I LOVE being alone. Always have. Oh the beauty of it! You get to do stuff, alone, people, a-l-o-n-e! No one asks you questions, criticises what you are doing, sits in your vicinity, makes unnecessary sounds, breathes. It's just you. And maybe your computer (mine often makes unnecessary sounds, but I'll allow that because I simply cannot live without it). I seem to feel everything more when I'm alone. The colours are brighter, I breathe deeper, the coffee tastes stronger, my ideas are flowing because no one is interrupting me all the time. I think it has something to do with energies, auras, something, I don't know, but sometimes the space around you needs to be cleared.

The funny thing is that although I enjoy the walking around naked in the house, eating ice cream for dinner, singing all the corny songs I can remember (loud), trying on clothes that I know won't exactly fit me, but you want to see how much it would take for them to fit (and then proceed to put them back in the closet and do nothing in order to fit into them) (more about this here), making a mess everywhere, plus all the things I do when no one is watching that you don't need to know of, there comes a point when I start talking to myself. It doesn't bother me, it's perfectly normal (because I'm not crazy, really!) (REALLY!). I start commenting on the things I'm doing or simply voicing out what I'm doing. I also have conversations with the people I know and not one of them disagrees with me. This is particularly enjoyable when there's a person in my life who I'm rumbling with. When having arguments with them and they are not actually present, I'm always more articulate and clearer, and of course end up winning the fight. Perfect. Delusional too, yes I do realise that, thank you.

The point is, these silly moments I need regularly. And after a while, after too many lonely conversations, I'm ready to go back into the world. I put on my patient face, interested face, encouraging face, stern face (needed for the rumbles). Thanks to all the sweet people in my life - and obviously coffee - the happy, content face comes on naturally.

I ran into this outside the flat of my boyfriend. Seems just and appropriate.

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